li(f)e

I used to lie in my bed and
Imagine my Future Husband
A Ken Doll with flexible legs and a fixed smile
And he'd enter my life at just the right time
Tall, dark and handsome
Complete with a bright pink convertible that promised
Never to break down.

I used to lie in the bathtub and
Imagine myself a Grown Woman
Laying a washcloth over my chest I'd press with frustrated palms
At the curves that weren't yet round and the spaces that weren't yet
Empty
Humming under my breath and climbing unsteadily onto the slippery edge
Standing as still as I could with water splashing at my feet
Staring in the mirror and
Trying to look
Sexy
At seven years old.

I used to lie on my stomach and
Frown into pages that held fantasies too big to fit inside me
I read about a girl who's first word was Octopus and had jet-black hair that hung down her back
A boy who could fly and always knew what the weather would be
I closed each book with wrinkles spider-webbing the covers
Like the lines that creased my forehead as I pondered
Why I was born so very
Un-magical…

I used to lie to myself and
Imagine my Future Husband
A Ken Doll with flexible legs
But a fixed smile
And he'd enter my life at just the right time
Tall, dark and handsome
Complete with a bright pink convertible that promised
Never
To break down.